It's not enough. It's not good enough. There isn't enough. I'm not good enough. Not fast enough. Enough people didn't see it. I've had enough.
I've been going through my submission deadline database with dread, looking at the files that have not yet been published by any lit mag, of all sorts--poetry, high-resolution jpegs, prose, photographs of my paintings. It seems like a tiny, amateurish body of work...because the negativity muse has come. She's the antithesis of your creative muse. Her voice grates on you and she does nothing but complain, but whenever she comes around again, your reasons for not dropping her as a friend seem feeble and unprincipled, so you make polite sounds in between her monologues of bitchery. That's how I feel, sitting here with that annoying harpy, who wants me to trash my work and retire from having any creative impulses. But I know I don't want that, so I'm trying to stay positive. Today I plan on retiring some of my work that hasn't been successful in the submission rounds, beginning the long process of putting art on DeviantArt in my portfolio or putting writing in my proverbial scrap folder (but not the trash). The fact that I've outgrown or stopped advocating for certain work should be a sign that I've learned, progressed, and developed, not that I suck. Take that, negativity muse!
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I'm not fantastic at the whole 'leave your life behind' residency concept. I've gotten better at managing my time since my first residency here in Chicago, or, even more laughably, my first residency at Goddard College, where 'manage your time' meant playing Hearthstone in bed and looking for edible food. (First semester of MFA residency sucks, guys. You're looking for a way around while trying to figure out why they accepted you while juggling a mountain of workshops and tasks...)
But I'll admit that I do other work while I'm at residency, try to find time to do art when I'm supposed to be writing, and even keep up some scheduled commitments like student council meetings, Aisthesis scheduled events, and paid work. That's not because I'm a malicious person. It's because I see my time at home annoyingly expended the most by mundane chores and errands, and when I'm out of town, those vanishing is a huge win. Someday, when I'm even better at residencies, I'll do it. I'll shut off my cell phone--okay, except to call home so my mother doesn't send a search and rescue party--and tell everyone I'm unavailable and stop answering emails. But right now, the work I do is important to me, and I can't shut off things like my classes workload without incurring a huge time penalty later on. The goal of a residency--for me, right now--is to carve out a different niche in time and space for my work. I don't cheapen that by overcommitting to 'other' activities. Nor do I diminish it and risk burnout later by turning off the rest of the world. So, without further lead up, here's a list of what I plan to do this week. I wrote it before I left, so even though I'm in medias res as I type this, I haven't modified it at all. I'll post when I get home and let you know whether I was successful:
I'm at the House of Two Urns, a magical B&B in Chicago this week. It's just a few minutes from the Blue Line's Division stop, but it feels a world away from the busy hustle of Chicago. I've been here three times now, twice for a writer's retreat and once to continue my dream of seeing all thirty active MLB ballparks. It's a fantastic, welcoming place run by wonderful people who happen to be active in Chicago's literary and artistic community. In the winter, Miguel and Kapra run artist's residencies, which is a clever way to supplement their business during Chicago's frozen winters while enriching the lives of working artists. What is a residency in this context?
For instance, Two Urns' residencies are one week long because they focus on community, holding dinners, recommending events, and encouraging artists--especially their visual artists--to spend time in Chicago's thriving art scene getting inspired, making contacts, and planning projects. I wouldn't expect to come here to complete an entire body of oil paintings, which would be best done at home. Even a writer might not make much headway with a week of uninterrupted time--although I accomplished much more than I thought I could the last time I came. What I love the most about residencies is the space away from the daily treadmill that makes it hard to plan realistic future events. I often find myself planning my next residency--even applying for it--during my time! It feels like cheating on the current residency, but I'm wild about the psychic distance from my desk at home that allows me to push forward with my writing. I'll be writing more about residencies, and holding myself accountable to my personal goals this week! |
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