GW2: There Is No Evolution in Tyria

Have you ever wondered whether fantasy worlds obey the same laws of physics and biology as the real world? (Hint: in Final Fantasy, the answer is always no). Guild Wars 2, seems built along sturdier principles, despite giving us the wonders of a gate that takes several hundred powder kegs to blow up and the fact that I can swim underwater in plate armor without drowning.

Rather, it's the wonders of biology that fail us. Here is a picture of my character completing one of the many 'hearts' scattered around Tyria. You might recognize this one, as it's the heart that gives you rugged leather/linen for karma after you complete it.

My character is completing this heart by carrying an aquatic animal. This is Guild Wars 2's rendering of the scariest crab motherfucker that you will ever see. Why have I turned myself into a human fishing boat? Well, this heart is about teaching quaggans to farm crabs. I'll wait while you click that link and verify that I haven't lost my mind. Quaggans, a sentient aquatic species, cannot feed themselves.

Now, the quaggan look like manatees, so maybe the devs were thinking, "Here's an 'endangered species' with a Tyrian twist. And there are other races that you have to rescue from hapless slavers, relocate to new homes, and teach survival skills. However, this heart and a similar one where you have to find the quaggans' scattered eggs--that's right, they have lost track of their means of procreation--paints a dark picture of the intellect of these seemingly-intelligent creatures.

Whatever did the quaggan do before you offered to let them live in your completely landlocked (but well-fountained) home instance?

If you claim racial sympathy with the quaggan in your level 50 story, you get to confront the quaggans' racial aversion to fighting. (Also, that link dialogue is priceless).

Mostly by fighting for them while groaning loudly and making quaggan noises (whooOOOoo) at the screen. Then, you get three chapters of the quaggan showing up to 'help' you fight, the way that marshmellows are essential to any successful marathon.

Nothing says more keenly that the quaggan have no idea what they're doing than this screenshot of a quaggan guard.

However, I will warn you: imitating the quaggan speech style is contagious and addictive. HellooOOoo! ​FooOOoo on quaggan! Hoo, foo, and boo!